After months and months of peace of mind and feeling like I was living life in trust and flow, someone said something which triggered me. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Anger and bitterness flared up like never before. My mind flew into full on action mode, filling my thoughts with self-criticism and all the things my mind thought weren’t right with life.
“You’re useless, time’s running out, you’ve been wasting your life, look at you, you don’t even know what you want to do…” and on and on.
Non-stop thinking that kept going around and around in circles, the same old thoughts, the feelings of confusion, doubt, anxiety and overwhelm, never enough time, always behind, going around in spirals of this and that, and getting nowhere.
It felt terrible.
Yet this used to be my norm. Always trying to figure things out, and always feeling “less than”.
That’s what the mind does.
It’s always making judgments, looking outside for the answers, weighing things up, the pros and the cons, looking to the past to try and make sense of things, or reliving old stories and events and bringing up the old emotions related to them, projecting into the future and worrying, always striving, analysing, reacting, never enough…. You’ll look stupid, you’ll look like a fool.. and so on.
It was the feeling of constantly having to strive, never getting there, and wondering why I was never enough.
Old thinking really does die hard.
Thank god for the day I decided that this way of being just wasn’t working. No matter how intelligent, how smart, how learned I was. This wasn’t working.
That was the day that I surrendered. To allow what’s beyond mind.
It was hard. It took conscious effort, in every moment when I was aware of it, to tell my mind that we were doing it differently now.
And to not make decisions or take any actions off the back of its thoughts. Despite that being the opposite to the way we’ve all been taught.
To allow myself to discover the truth (or not) in, “Life happens for us, without our having to push all the time and having to always try and figure things out.”
It’s a much easier way of living and being, a way that’s effortless and can feel magical.
But it takes awareness and experimentation, and courage. Then the trust builds up, until you know.
That’s why I’ve found Human Design to be a great tool. Not only has it helped me see and understand what my mind speaks to and how it’s got such a hold, it also gave me my “strategy and authority”.
It’s simple. But not easy. And as challenging as it’s been, one thing for sure. Life’s felt easier.
So it was good to have had that flare up. It’s helped me recognise how much more ease and grace there is in my life today, compared to when my mind used to rule the roost.